Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I'm Just Explaining -- Nobody Freak Out

Some days I feel like I'm wearing a "Hello, My Name is. . . " stickers, only instead of "Starr" filling the space it reads "exhausted, overwhelmed, incompetent mother of an austistic child." Yesterday was one of those.

Jason and I had a meeting with the school staff who oversee his development, the psychologist who routinely meets with us, & two new people who specialize in supporting schools who have students with autism. In the meeting, the head teacher (the British equivalent of a principle) pointed out several times that being the parent of three active children, especially one that has special needs, is a daunting job and that I often appear "worn out." Since Graham's tendency to run away as we walk to & from school was also a big part of the discussion, I have spent the last 24 hours feeling like the imaginary name tag on my chest is the size of a billboard.

As we sat in that meeting, the thought came, "This is your job." That thought makes me so sad. It makes me feel like I'm the depressed, bored, drone who will be stuck in the same dead-end situation until the grave -- and the world knows it.

I don't know how to turn it around. I can't snap my fingers & have Graham's condition change, I can't make Cami & Rose be perfect, self-caring children, & I can't return to the bright times in my college life when it felt like I could conquer the world. I just don't know how to give my family everything they need. And I don't know if my job will ever allow two weeks vacation.


14 comments:

christina said...

Oh Starr. You are a rock. :)




-c

Cin said...

I send transatlantic hugs!

Tricia said...

Thinking of you sweet friend!

The Windy City Duo said...

Starr... I love you. You are amazing. I know this is a rough go and I am sorry. I also know you have an amazing little family. We here in Chicago love all of you and think you are doing a terrific job. Big hugs! Love to you and the whole family!

Starr said...

Thanks everybody, for the notes here, the IM messages, & the emails.

I love you.

Jessica said...

Starr, I wish I could be there for you. There to tell you that it's ok, we all have our moments when we feel like we shine as mother's, and those moments when we wonder why on earth the Lord gave us these sweet little one's to ruin for Him. But He (the Lord) did trust us with some of the strongest little spirits He has, and He blessed your family with some of the BEST! I know we love them, and miss your family dearly! Just remember, "this too shall pass" and we are constantly being thrown into the refiners fire. You will be one of those star's that shines the brightest (punn intended, but true) you have a strong heart and a beautiful spirit. I'm glad I know you. May the good Lord bless and keep you till we meet again!!!

Hugs from NJ
You are doing a fabulous job!!!

the bean said...

i always felt that heavenly father just wants us to try. he knows we may no always succeed, but he wants us to put our best effort forth and then ask ourselves if we can do more and be honest with ourselves about the answer.

if honestly, when reflecting, it can be said to yourself that more could not have been done, then so it is. when the answer is yes, more could have been done, that is when we change the behavior the next time the same or similar situation arises.

it has never been in the plan to always do things right, even though it always feels like we want to. i think the feeling is the point, but the doing not so much.

the trying to do what is right is what it is. keep pushing that rock.

emily said...

If I ever happen to be in England for a few weeks...I'd be honored to give you a few week vacation!! I love your kids and I love you too!!

Marie said...

Starr, life can be so hard sometimes, and especially so when you are the mom of a special needs child. As you know my eldest daughter is developmentally handicapped so I know just how you are feeling. It is a hard place to be. Just take heart, this too shall pass. You are on a divine mission, even if it doesn't always feel so divine. ((((hugs)))) xxoo

Sacto Cat Woman said...

Being a mother is overwhelming sometimes. Even if you did have perfect children it would be so. The addition of one with special needs is almost beyond my imagination. Additionally, you are a long way from family, although I hope that your husband and your church members fill some of those holes.

I always think you are absolutely amazing. Your name tag should read "Supermom" -- even if you probably wish it would just say "perfectly normal lady".

Sarah K. L. said...

Hey Starr, I just happened to stumble across your blog via Emily's blog...

Right now I work with families with children (birth-3) who have a variety of special needs and delays doing home-based therapy. I wish I could share with them that the Lord won't give them more than they can handle and that if they turn to him for support, they will make it! Professional boundaries prevent me from such a conversation, but I know that you know these things- how lucky you are!

I know things are different from one country to another, but are there respite services available there? I always tell the parents I work with how important 'mommy' or 'daddy' time is. Hopefully there's something similar to respite there that will allow you some time to take care of yourself? :)

SARAH said...

Once again, I am reminded why i love you. The mother that admits her imperfections and always gives everything she can, is a perfect mom. I love you.

Ellen Fehr said...

I love you--and I am grateful these three of my grandchildren have you for their Mom. Wish I could be with you. Maybe someday.

joycie said...

Starr,
The Lord never gives us more then we can handle. He knows us and our limitations, so even when we think we can't go on anymore, he knows we can.
I love you, kiss the children and hug them tight for me!