Friday, October 2, 2009

An Act of Faith

Cami has made a friend at school, a girl who just relocated to our area. They have plans to go bowling next week. But Cami isn't the only one making friends -- I ran into Heather's mom as I ran an errand, so I invited her over.

She's a laboratory scientist who has a background in materials. She got excited about something & started to explain how neat it was that girders work in a special way. Then she cut herself off, uncomfortable because it wasn't something I had any background in.

I reassured her, "It's ok. I'm married to an academic. And I come from a family of academics. Don't be embarrassed about what you know."

She asked if I'd been an academic too. Nine years ago (how can it have been that long ago?) I was. But now isn't the time to think about the life I left.

I keep thinking about how profound that last line of reassurance is: don't be embarrassed about what you know. So, so much easier for me to say to another than to apply to myself. I spend so much emotional energy shielding myself from sharing the things I know. Trying to avoid the isolation that comes from knowing the things I know. This sounds so cryptic and I don't mean to be. Simply, being LDS isn't comfortable for me. I haven't been comfortable in my faith since I was a small child. Even writing those last two sentences, knowing that somebody else will read them, is anxiety-creating. But I'll hit "publish" anyway.


Tricia said...

This post made me respect you even more because I thought--but she's been on a mission! The idea of proselyting scares me to death. But your example in making a weakness become strong gives me courage.

Lynnea said...

Ok, so we are much more alike than I ever knew Starr. Perhaps we can develop a long distance friendship that was stronger than what we had prior.

In learning to talk about my struggles openly, I learn many others share the struggle. This weakness, as with most, is hard to share.

I find I focus too much on admitting what I do not know, and perhaps don't show the confidence in what I do know.